Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
