why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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