It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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