I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
