My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
He shit in the fireplace
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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