im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
