Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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