i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
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apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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