just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
