Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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