When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
