Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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