I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
