The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
