I faked an abortion last night.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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