If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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