Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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