Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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