Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
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Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
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I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
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