One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
