I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
