Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
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She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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