does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just saw a hot homeless man
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Randomize
