Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
