oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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