Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
