You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
