there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
