Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
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