Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
