never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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