its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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