So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just gargled with NyQuil
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
