the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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