i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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