ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
