i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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