ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
