And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
