I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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