i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
