I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
