i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Dignity is for republicans.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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