Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
