If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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