You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
