Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
