Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
