i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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