I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you didnt know i had herpes?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
