For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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