Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
