The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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