i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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