I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
