Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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