im six kinds of drunk right now
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
